I know its been awhile since I last posted. Life has a way of making time disappear - a great magician that time is. I have been insanely busy moving into leadership with Mary Kay (something I have inconsistently been working towards for almost two years), and I recently consulted a position with Usborne Books and More – an experience I have grown ridiculously delighted in and have truly enjoyed sharing. But nothing brings me as much joy as writing.
I have been super insecure and fragile minded lately (read: crabby and intolerable). As Mike prompted me last night to open up about what was really insinuating, I realized how unhappy I have become in my own skin. Mike reminded me how I was able to walk every day while pregnant and still stay active, and that winter should be taken into consideration when contemplating these feelings. And while that is part of it, it also doesn't help that I shamelessly indulge (or binge) on cupcakes, cinnamon rolls, and pizza and instantaneously regret it.
Prior to pregnancy, I was an active Tone it Up girl and member of the TIU team! I was waking up at 4am to get in my workouts and meal prepping and planning ahead so I could set myself up for success. My before picture is not something I am normally comfortable sharing, but I think it needs to be seen for perspective.
I have a tendency to be really hard on myself when it comes to physical appearance. I think I forget that this body created a human only five short months ago. And as he sleeps blissfully right now, the inconsistencies of motherhood have made it difficult for me to find my routine again.
The TIU team has their biggest challenge of the year coming up – the Bikini Series! I have been a member for several years now and have never successfully completed this challenge. As I wrote this “letter”, I was inspired to try and to set a goal, and here I am. If I write it out and share it with the world I would hope that it would fuel me to follow through. I know I can tailor it to my lifestyle if I take the time and initiative to be intentional and persevere.
Not every day will be easy, or consistent, but that does not mean I cannot make a daily effort. I have the greatest support system in my husband and friends and I am so excited and encouraged to commit myself and see what happens, see if I can get back into those skinny jeans I miss so much.
Dear Levi Denizen,
Wow. I’m insecure where to even begin. It has been quite sometime now since we last hung out together. I miss you. Please do not take my absence as a lack of love. You were my companion, my partner. We did everything closely. My compliments were always towards you. You brought out the best in me, and for that, I will be forever grateful.
I have been reminiscing of that first summer we shared. It was one I will always cherish. I remember the first day we met; I was perusing through target (shocking), when BAM! There you were. I hesitantly walked over, I wasn’t looking for anything at the moment, but I figured I would give you a try. I was intimidated by your size – I assumed I was too hefty for us to be paired - but we tried anyway, and wouldn’t you know - it was a perfect fit! I miss you.
We experienced concerts, dinner dates, supper clubs, parties, Cubs games, and so much more. Don’t get me wrong, there were hard times, too; the time we went to the dog park and Baloo jumped on you – scarring you with mud. I did all I could to aid in the elimination of that stain. Nevertheless, you still endured many more trips and exemplified what a superior grade you were.
We shared unequivocal joy and certainly were the envy of other pairs! I surely don’t blame the population for their almost possessive peering. Your shape completely conformed to mine. Others aspired to tailor their relationship like ours. I mean, you clung to me as an infant will cling to their Mother. We shared a bond worth coveting.
And, ultimately, that is exactly what separated us. Life happens. I tried to stretch out our time as long as possible once we found out I was pregnant. Alas, our departing was inevitable. It wasn’t realistic to think we could last forever. I figured over time you would ware out, fade away. But you stayed true blue. It hurt my heart to bring another into our home, to attempt another connection while you waited anxiously from afar. I know that I seemed happy with the new pair, but they were never you, they never quite fit me.
Those nine months were both excruciatingly long, and ferociously quick. Believe me when I say, I had every intention of coming back to you. Turns out, my post baby body has other ideas. These hormones make it impossible to get myself motivated to work out. Eating healthy is difficult when you can barely remember to eat at all. Sleepless and sluggish are not a combination I am familiar with. I know I need to be more intentional if there is ever hope for us to reunite.
That is not to say we have not tried to reconcile. We have. You are sweet to encourage me to attempt the impractical, but we just don’t conform to each other the way we used to. I am not comfortable with you the way I was before. And that is OK. Despite our distress in dress, I truly appreciate the inspiration you illustrate. You are helping me to learn to be confident in myself, no matter the size or situation. Those moments we attempted to return to our usual routine prompted the realization that this body made a baby, I created a human. To think that we could simply and suddenly return to previous patterns was silly and selfish.
However, Winter is unhurriedly growing into Spring and the world is alive with the prospect of new beginnings. Instead of force something to be, I rather work to achieve my former figure. This process requires strength and stamina I never knew existed. It is paralled with a grand paradox of patience and cursory.
So, as much as I miss you, I know that one day, we will be together again. I may struggle with insecurities at the moment, but the confidence I gain in the knowledge that you are not entirely out of reach, is a glorious inspiration. Thank you for your patience and for consistently bringing out the best in me. You are my companion, my partner, my skinny jeans.
And I cannot wait to wear you again.